I don't think anyone other than my best friend/sister reads this... if so, please don't spread what you read. I feel like using this as a "journal", that way I don't have to repeat everything to Jenn on the phone in the morning, since I like to keep nothing from her as far as my life goes. But, I'm going to write as though on paper, in a journal. It is personal, and it is raw.
I ended a very important relationship in my life last Sunday, appx. 4 days ago. I felt so confident that it was what God was directing me to do, and I still stand by this (remember that, throughout this post). Because of the way I have been raised, and those examples in my life that I follow, I cannot walk in direct disobedience of the Lord. Let me correct that actually, I very easily CAN, but I've tried throughout this year to catch myself from the start and end it promptly, the disobedience that is. I do not want to walk in sin, in any area of my life, especially when I know God wants me elsewhere. So, I ended a relationship. I was attached to this person in many ways, and have strings tied to him that have taken 3 years to form and keep. It's a friendship that for the past year or year and a half, has been most important to me. Ending this relationship was not for the typical reasons of lost emotions, angry feelings, dishonesty, distance... I ended it in obedience to what I felt in my heart God was instructing me.
I think I assumed that because I am so sure this is God's doing, I would have peace, joy, and acceptance of this immediately after. Well... it's now Thursday, and it gets harder every single day. Sunday, I did it and was fine, honestly. Monday I was happy, busy, content, excited for the future... Tuesday I started thinking about it a bit, and realize that many people close to me knew much more about it than even I did which started to weigh on me... Yesterday I cried for the first time... Tonight I had my first major meltdown. God is sovereign, this I know, but I also know that He sees our emotions and He isn't disappointed in us when we cry.
This is where I get really honest, because I need to write. It makes me feel better. I barely made it home tonight. I started crying from the moment my butt hit my car seat in the church parking lot. I called my close friend, crying and talked to her for about 10 minutes, had a good laugh at the end of the conversation, then as soon as she hung up the phone things began to weigh heavy on me and I began crying... by the time I hit Hodges, I was weeping. I came so close to just pulling over into the New Life CF parking lot, because I didn't think it was safe to drive as hysterical as I was. Instead, I put my life in more danger by digging for my computer, pulling it out, opening Itunes, and playing "Beautiful" by Kari Jobe. Let me just tell you my friends, it's a good thing I made it to my drive way and the way was clear. I would've hit whatever was in the way. I put my car in park, buried my face in my lap, and fell at the feet of Jesus. I felt so alone, so empty, so confused. I felt impatient, knowing I need to wait on the Lord and not hurry what He is doing or wants to do. I continued to listen to worship, weeping, literally, my eyes out. I haven't cried that hard since after my family moved to China. And I couldn't stop... but I didn't feel like I had to. Then, I had a vision, which changed my night:
I was climbing up a dirt hill, and at the top of the hill where it leveled off, I could see just the tip of the cross that Jesus was hanging on. I was weeping, and weeping, with barely enough strength to climb. About 3/4 of the way up, I fell face down into the dirt, laying on my side, curled into the fetal position, crying as hard as I could. I was filled with disappointment that I didn't make it all the way up to the cross, where I had planned on laying all of my burdens down. Then in my vision, I saw Jesus. He came down off of the cross, showing that yes He did conquer dead. And instead of me coming up the hill to him, He began walking down the hill towards me. I wasn't watching Him at this point, because I was so sad and burdened, laying in the dirt. When He made it down to where I was, Jesus sat down, in the dirt, and wrapped His arms so tight around me and began to rock me back and forth, He stroked my hair like my mom used to years ago, and He whispered affirmations in my ear.
After I had this vision, I snapped back into reality, and realized I had stopped balling and the tears were only coming down one by one, slowly, and I was laying in the fetal position in the driver's seat of my car. I laid wiwth such peace. My burden didn't go away, no. But through that picture in my mind, the Lord showed me that He is here to share this burden with me, I'm not carrying this load on my own. I don't have to figure out how to make it through each situation, I don't have to be heavy-laiden with the problems in my life. He wants to walk through the trials WITH me. He won't take them away, but instead He'll do something even better. He will wrap me in His arms and rock me back and forth. As a girl, this image makes it that much easier to make it through. I want acceptance, I want someone beside me, with me... I felt so alone in my car. I was crying so hard, not only because I missed this relationship in my life, but then I was thinking of my family and that they aren't here to hold me and be with me. I was upset, thinking that I had no one. That I was alone, and so sad. Then, the Lord showed me what's really going on through that picture. He is very much so with me, in me, and is so interested in spending time with me- whether I'm crying, or happy, or even if I'm not paying attention to Him. He's not going to walk away. He's staying with me, holding me hand, whispering in my ear "I'm here. It's all going to be ok. I'm here. I love you"
I've made it through a night. A very hard night. My God is mighty, My God is Love.
KB
Ps- The title of my note is because once I made it through and came into the house, I topped it off with a very large glass of delicious, very-fatty egg nog!
