I sit here in a still, big, pink sanctuary. The dim lights are up just enough to see my work in front of me, as I've created a traveling office that seems to have followed me from my back stationary office to this piano bench that I sit on. My thoughts... why does my computer keep shutting down on me? Do I really like the song list I've pieced together for this weekend's services? Should I try working in the dark to save electricity? Man, where could I find a quick mountain dew fix? ..... This is just the beginning of the fast-paced mind planted inside this head of mine. I have 18 extra minutes tonight, so I want to spill my thoughts out onto a page.
Just a few brief moments ago, my mind was opened up and my ears too, as I watched and listened to a dear friend pour her heart out to me on the topic of worship. Oh worship. It's so deep, yet so simple. It can be so over-complicated, and so under-rated. One thing it can't be is forced, or controlled. It can't. Real worship is scary because it means, as the worship leader, you're stepping out on waters you can't swim in! There's no way of knowing what's going to be released in the room when a group of believers have gathered with one single intention: to encounter Him. This is dangerous. It means programs, schedules, computers, lists, plans... all out the window. If that is truly the intention and purpose, there goes everything else.
Having been a worship leader in a major role for 3 years now, I've personally experienced the beautiful chaos that is created when the spirit of God walks through the doors into a worship night, church service, youth event, or Bible study. To some in leadership roles, it's not something they know how to deal with. Luckily, for me, the spirit of God has raised me in this. Haha, that sounds funny, but so true! When I open my mouth to sing and suddenly and almost immediately see walls falling down and chains busting, I know it's time. It's time to enter in. It's time to run, run, run, full speed. As fast as I can, to that place. It's a place I talk about often in my blogs, and in conversations I carry about worship and what it means to me.
This place isn't created in my imagination, but instead is branded on my heart. I shake, and smile so big, when I think of the times I've made it to that place in my worship and have run straight into Him. I want to get up and dance. I want to stand on this piano bench and shout, as I listen to a song about the powerful, unstoppable force of God's love. The deepness of His love. The truth of it.
I know why I'm a worship leader. I try so hard sometimes, like a few minutes ago during the conversation with my friend, to express my feelings on the meaning and purpose of worship. The purity it deserves, the freedom it brings, the noise it creates! I get so frustrated sometimes in conversation because there's no way to say it. That is why I am a worship leader. A worshipper to be more exact. Through song, I feel most satisfied. Through the music I feel most free. When I sing this song, as I write this, I feel freedom and fire being released on the inside of my heart and mind that cannot be quenched!!!
I just want to warn you who may embrace times of worship with me, there's something being stirred up on the inside. Like a boiling pot, it's about to pour over and out in my worship. He deserves me letting go of EVERYTHING in my worship. The fear of look, the pressure of a good sound, the thoughts of order, the bondage of the computer. If I'm not using these to compliment that worship that's being poured out of my life and produced from my lips, I must let it go! I cannot use this to try to control something that's uncontrollable. What a waste of time, how dumb!
God is here in this place. He is here, in me, and hopefully in You as well.
Jesus, light me even more on fire for You and Your purpose. Fuel the flames that are rising up inside of me. And Father, would You show me where to go with these?! Remind me there are no limits. Open the doors, and open my ears to hear and follow You. I want to go with You. I want to be free in my worship, as a new song pours out from my heart to Yours.
